If you’ve read my newsletters or emails before year, you know I sign most “With joy and ease, Debra “.When I write “with joy and ease”, am I wanting to convey to you that I’m constantly joyous and everything in my entire life is a cinch? (In other words, am I LYING?) Certainly not.
With this specific signature I intend to remind you and myself to choose the path toward fulfilling purpose that feels joyous and easy. In the flow. Right for us. Although not precisely what feels this way also feels effortless.
In reality, over the year since I’ve refocused connect2 Corporation to steer women entrepreneurs to grow their businesses, I’ve frequently felt I’ve been powering through. Even though I’ve known I’ve been living the path that’s right for me personally – doing the professional work I’m designed to be doing plus taking care of my children, my home and myself – many times I’ve allowed the volume to get blaringly high. I’ve been doing the proper things but so many of these at the same time! Why? Because I’ve been afraid. Afraid when I decelerate, my children will suffer. Or my business will suffer. Or my divorce process will decelerate further. Or more. Or worse.
So as much as I’ve been practicing surviving in experience of Spirit, I’ve been burning out my power supply. Pretty consciously. Not prepared to see a better way because I was convinced I was right: I was alone, solely responsible. And apparently, because I was fearful of upsetting anyone – especially my clients or family members – I clung to these beliefs.
But about per month ago my motor burned out. (Please forgive my metaphors if they do not make mechanical sense.) I’d been gearing up for my divorce trial, scheduled for June 28 and 29. Expecting it to be physically and emotionally exhausting, I conserved my energy spotify a course in miracles. I chose not to go to a bar mitzvah or even a dear friend’s wedding – both out of town – to keep focused. I swallowed my pride and faced my fears to request help. (And gratefully received it!) I did so my level best to prepare, to create sound and rational choices. Obviously, my days were still overly full. And I noticed things kept going wrong. These were not training with ease. I felt out from the flow. I sensed I was in power struggle. But I kept trying. And then, significantly less than a couple of weeks before the trial was scheduled to begin, I heard it absolutely was probably be postponed for at least six months. The adrenaline I’d been living off plummeted. And I crashed hard.
First, I cried. (For me, this is always an accomplishment.) Then I felt too drained to move. To see clients. To come back phone calls, even personal ones. To write. I was fried. I assumed this was all merely emotional, as postponement of the trial (and therefore its ultimate resolution) was deeply disappointing and frustrating to me. Turns out I also had strep throat. And then the sinus infection. All I really could do, for most, a number of days, was rest. I humbly postponed client meetings. I took some slack from typical marketing activities. I cancelled work outs. I stopped cooking. I knew I’d reached my limit.
Reaching my limit was a miracle. (My favorite definition of “miracle” is from A Course in Miracles: “a shift in perception.”) I finally shifted my perception of myself to someone allowed to stop. Someone for whom it is safe to stop. Someone who can stop constantly moving, tend simply to her needs, and survive it. Just for a while.
The kids understood. My friends understood. My clients were very kind about it. Dear people made time to create me food and execute a few lots of our laundry. And I healed.
A Course in Miracles also says “Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The actual miracle may be the love that inspires them. In this sense precisely what comes from love is a miracle.” My miracle is that I finally loved myself enough to stop taking care of anything else and start nurturing only me. Naps. Bravo TV. Lots of books. Soothing music. Quiet time. Meditation. A couple of lovely days on Cape Cod in a pretty inn all by myself.
My fear when I stopped, everything would crash down around me — was False Evidence Appearing Real. Stopping was absolutely necessary. Ultimately rejuvenating. And I found energy and support to clear my ex’s possessions out my home. And to drive out everything the kids had outgrown. Then I read and napped some more. The times were a blur of alternating activity and rest – all off my usual beaten path.
From this whole experience I remembered I am loved, by my parents, friends, Spirit, myself, and people I didn’t even know have been thinking about me. After a lot more than a couple of weeks from business I figured I have to schedule regular, true downtime for myself – possibly even take 2 weeks from work 2-3 times per year. Radical. Easy. Lovely. Loving.